"The cruelest lies are often told in silence"  

The Cruel Lie

I sit alone with my thoughts of concealed loneliness, Confusion grips my soul and surrounds my spirit, with memories of a love no longer strong and a new desire that emerges and engulfs.

Constant dreams and dreaded longings, the cold reality of knowing that I will never have his love. I settle for the comfort of home and responsibilities, yet long for the dreams in my head. I close my eyes and see it all, no one can see but me.

The non existent possibilities taunt me without mercy, and roam aimlessly in my mind. I no longer have control over my thoughts. My strength diminishes with every new vision and the hope for control is lost with each new dream.

I am powerless against the desires that rumble within, all that is left is the will that does not allow me to bend. How will I stay sane? The struggle is strong and this new love and wanting is all I crave.

Some days are better than others, yet all seem the same, It's that one relentless desire I can't escape from. I want to run away from it's familiar source, but there is nowhere to run, there is no refuge, no shelter from the all consuming flame, the suffering must be endured. In silence I play the part that hides the struggle inside.

Each night is sought after with great fervor, for with it, comes solace and the dreams that bring desires to life. Images conjure up truths, that during the day lie dormant. Familiar only to me, they seek to abide in my soul, and I , powerless accept them. I am tired of the struggle, so I accept the promises that they bring.

I welcome them to an untouched place within my heart. Will it end? Will the wanting ever cease? Guilt is replaced by anticipation and then back again. I have everything to loose, though it seems already lost. It has been slowly slipping away in the mist of confusion.

I sometimes pray that this too shall pass but meanwhile, I remain true to everyone except myself, desperately hoping that my reward will be the return of these unspoken desires.

Will there be an extinction of these feelings that torment me now? The ones that are brought to life in my mind where only I can see and in my soul,  where only I can feel?

lmw

  

  Midi playing "When Love Finds You by Vince Gill"