Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am the thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight, on ripened grain,
I am the gentle Autumn rain.

When you awake in morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush.

Of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.


Hopi Indian Prayer



Grief came to our family on a beautiful July 1st, day. It swept into our lives like a sudden summer rain storm and it was our turn to learn how lives can be changed in a instant.

Our dad had a serious stroke. Like a child touching a hot stove for the first time and feeling the burn, we too were going to face the stages of grief, and like many people, we didn't even know it had begun.
In the very beginning we experienced feelings of shock and disbelief. The first stage had begun.

Our dad had just retired and had no heath problems that anyone was aware of.
When he was admitted to the hospital, he was walking and talking and so began the second stage. We all prayed, made promises to God and tried to learn everything we could about strokes.

As the days wore on my dad's stroke extended and he lost his ability to speak or walk. The third stage, anger. Why did this have to happen to our dad, to our family. My dad started his work life at 15 and never had time for holidays or hobbies. It was hard work to feed, clothe, and educate 6 children, so retirement was the time he and my mom would begin to live and enjoy the freedom of travel and time to do the things that never seemed to be able to be fitted into his work life. What kind of God does this?


As days turned into weeks the fourth stage began to take over. It became more and more evident that my father would never be the whole person he was before the stroke and a saddness crept into all our lives. The fight then, was to bring him back to a point where he would have a good quality of life. Our anxieties grew at this point because knowing our dad as well as we did, we knew he would not be satisfied with less than 100%. Their were also fears about how we would care for him during his recovery. In our case we knew our father would have to travel 500 miles for rehabilitation.He was making great strides and we began to feel very optimistic about his recovery. Then a second and more profound stroke happened.


For a few days after the second stroke we looked at it as just another obstacle to be overcome, but , as the days went on the fifth stage began to slowly creep into our thoughts and discussions with our dad's doctor. It is very hard to accept that someone you love dearly is going to go out of your life. This stage of grief is the one that goes on for a very long time. I believe in that in some way this stage will go on as long as you live.


My father had been very vocal in his opinion of heroic measures for himself if anything ever happened to him. Most people would think that this would make any decisions we had to make for him easier. This helps, but the truth is ,you are still plagued by questions. He made those statements when he was well. If he could speak now would he feel the same? What was his idea of heroic measures? There are many questions asked and not many answers. In our case the final decision was left to our dad and God.

My father quietly slipped away from us in September after 11 weeks in hospital. His death affected all his family in different ways. At the time we believed we would never be free from the pain that seems to overwhelm your waking and sleeping hours. You look and the world still seems to be spinning while you are standing still. You wonder how everything can go on as if nothing has happened when your world has has fallen apart.


The statement " Time heals all wounds" has a certain ring of truth. As time goes on your pain does diminish. Life must go on and you begin to remember the happy times and they help you get through the sad times. Family Occasions like birthdays, Christmas, and in our case Father's Day, were very difficult the first year. The pain is still very real and you wonder if you will ever be able to enjoy these times again. Gradually as the years roll by you begin to use these occasions to talk about the good memories of your loved one. Our lives will never be quite the same without our dad, but, life is meant to be lived fully.


Sometimes I hear someone speak and they sound like my dad, I smell someone's aftershave and it's the one he always wore, or one of the children in our family has achieved something great and I think dad would have been so proud. These are the hardest times for me, but each time the pain is less.


In the wheel of life we are born, we live, we die, and hope that we go on to a different place in time and space. We are all faced at sometime in our lives with things we think we cannot bear. Just remember others are going through similar things. Reach out for help or reach out and give help.

~LMW~